constant recurring dreams
or morning news?
I have to ask myself. This week I woke up from obsessively repeating dreams – classes, documents, downloading files, uploading assignments. Students: screamers, giggling consumers of junkfood in class, cellphone game-players, cheaters, sleepers, anxiety-ridden frozen, apathetic – teenage bodies in and out of classrooms. Dreams after days into nights of dreams.
What’s worse? Upon awakening – morning news of rocket attacks, murders, deadly crashes. Whitney and her glory revealed as Whitney and her personal suffering, but what of society’s incessant gnawing at the bone of its people?
My heart gets chopped away slowly until for a fragment of a second someone shows a calm willingness to take a step towards learning, to stand for their own future, to take what i give almost by rote. It’s clear that i go to school to teach, i prepare lessons for their hi-tech expectations, i offer vibes for their invisible needs.
But it’s not clear that there’ll be a consumer for my products.
one consumer is worth 100 hours of waste. Is that my new red-line?
What’s worse….dreaming after days of endless frustration in dreams of further frustration, or waking up for another dose of death, hate, fear?
It’s all pretty bad.
Yet this week I had a few students who said Yes to what i’m there to provide.
E said yes to a more advanced book, and yes to doing exercises.
D said yes to showing up for a test and arranging his usual escape from school until after he’d done the test.
Da asked if we’d be meeting for English that day and although the answer was No (and happily on my part – not because of her), the feeling was sweet.
A few students work and if the percentage is 20%, i feel that i can make it for another week.
Expectations sink to the 1/5 bracket. Anything above that is a huge achievement. I aim for 100 and soon see that 50 might be my best. I’m told to step back from feeling responsible – that there are some factors that are simply not in my control.
This might be a calming mantra for some, but doesn’t seem to work for me. I prefer meditation, reiki and re-vamping my head. Perhaps next week I’ll reach the second half, the 4/5ths who weren’t available last week. Perhaps i’ll find Nirvana, reach such personal bliss that even 1% will be perceived as a gift. Thank you! i’ll say.
Meanwhile, each morning that I get to explore the road to and from school is an opportunity for smiling. And how i love to smile!