midnight to do lists

Since I got back home from Canada, I’ve been waking up a lot, usually between one and two a.m.. Perfect hour for suddenly obsessing over something that I wish I could activate in my mom’s sphere of existence.

Two nights ago, I remembered her car and how it’s between owners. She wants it sold. My sister’s family wants to buy it. Between regulations and possibility there’s a no man’s land and only they know how to traverse it. I can do nothing. Yet, the situation chose to show up in my stream of consciousness and I somehow latched on. Meditation put it all to sleep.

Last night, I hooked onto the passing thought of my mom’s need for an emergency pendant or bracelet – something she can use to get help in a hurry. She’s alone. She needs the thing. Here I am 9000 kms away but there I was, visualizing her mounting the stairs, each day a new ‘phew’ of accomplishment.

“What?” harps the voice. “Are you going to wait for her to fall?”

‘Oh my god’ whispers the one a.m. conscience. “A pendant! A pendant!” it repeats. It imagines the shape, how to wear it. The weight of it.

Again I head off to the safe room, close the door and turn into a soothing meditation. This time, however, no sleep. Only delicious relaxation and then energizing. A few online segments of  “Younger”  and then the app got stuck.

Except for the digital stuff, I know that this kind of scenario is what my Mom experiences. An idea appears and then another, and another,  and her sleep situation crumbles to dust. She doesn’t do meditation but she tries classical music. No avail. Ideas gallop in a steady beat, bringing relatives to storm the corral.

Now, here I am, at five twenty a.m.  This is the hour of respite before the summer heat descends. The first birds begin their songs.

Over in Australia it’s already noon. My family is divided into seven hour time zones. Each of us in our own private time warp.

Perhaps one day, I’ll sync into someone’s deep sleep zone. Till then, the radar is on.

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